Judged.

Hey friends. I recently saw a Facebook post about how a person (I don't actually know them, it was an anonymous page) feels so judged and alone here at BYU because of their trials, which included abuse and homosexuality.
Um...what?
I mean, I understand what they're saying. I can see how someone with that background would feel out of place. But that is the exact opposite of how I feel at BYU.
I know that some of you are thinking, but she hasn't gone through those things. And you're right. I haven't been sexually abused or attracted to women.
But I do know that people tend to ostracize themselves. Seriously. You look around and you feel judged, but nobody is judging you. You can't relate to them, and they can't relate to you, but that doesn't mean that there is any judgment going on.
If you are sticking yourself in a hole, get out of it. If you are living in the past and letting it affect the present, stop it.
I've gotta tell you--I lived in the past for way too long. I let my fear and mistrust affect everything I did. Everyone that I met was just a future loss, another person to leave me. I could talk and joke around, but getting close to anybody...it took time. A lot of it. I've known my best friend since I was 6, and we weren't good friends all that time. It took years for me to trust her completely.
I created my own personal hell.
How often do we do that? How often do we create the problems that keep us up at night? We are so much harder on ourselves than others--and the Lord--are. You look in the mirror and you think, what mistakes have I made today? What did I say wrong? Who doesn't like me?
Well, stop it. You heard me. Just stop. You are beautiful. You are incredible.
Stop dwelling on the hard things in life. Life is hard. Get over it and stop pulling yourself down.
Here's a pep talk from a little girl who has her priorities straight:

 

Let yourself be amazing. 

Love.

There's a Joshua Creek song that I absolutely love. It's called "I Love You, Son".

 

 

Little boy sits on a chair, waiting for his dad.

Scared and crying, cuz he'd been bad.

Stole a toy on a dare, from the corner drug store,

but he got caught slipping out the door.

And finally when his pa arrived,

the boy couldn't look him in the eye and said, "Oh Dad, I know you hate me."

Then in disbelief, he heard his father say...

"I love you, Son. Just tell me what you've done.

Life's full of problems, together we can solve them.

Talk it out with me, we'll work it out, you'll see.

I love you, Son."

Then he turned 16, with a license to drive.

Stereo loud, girl by his side.

Lost control on a curve, and the car overturned.

They crawled out and watched that Mustang burn.

From a sheriff's station telephone,

he found the old man at home and said, "Oh Dad, you're gonna hate me.

Then in disbelief, he heard his father say...

"I love you, Son. Just tell me what you've done.

Life's full of problems, together we can solve them.

Talk it out with me, we'll work it out, you'll see.

I love you, Son."

36, what could have been was in an awful mess.

Broken dreams, broken home, broken promises...

and from the valley of his dark despair rose a first attempt at prayer.

He said, "Oh Lord, I know you hate me."

Then in disbelief, he heard the Father say...

"I love you, Son. Just tell me what you've done.

Life's full of problems, together we can solve them.

Talk it out with me, we'll work it out, you'll see.

I love you, Son."

Sometimes, we feel that the Lord can't possibly forgive us. Why should he? We've managed to mess up yet again. I'm a hopeless cause, you think to yourself. I just can't seem to do the right thing. It's SO hard to keep a good perspective when you feel like a failure. I think we often forget that the Lord doesn't look at us and say, "Well, they failed. I can give up on them now." He is the best friend we will ever have, because he will never give up on us. No matter what you do, no matter how badly you think you've failed, your Father will always love you. He knows the best that is within you. This week, try to see yourself the way that your Heavenly Father sees you. You will find a love and peace that you couldn't dream of having otherwise.

 

T. Swift

Breathe

 

"I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people
And sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

It's 2AM
Feel like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's 2AM
Feel like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
Oh
I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

Ohh
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

 

 

Haunted

 

"You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and it's all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake

Ohh, I'm holding my breath
Won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold

Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you gone
Can't turn back now,
I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead

Ohh, I'm holding my breath
Won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you gone
Can't turn back now,
I'm haunted

I know, I know,
I just know
You're not gone. You can't be gone.
No.

Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you gone
Can't go back,
I'm haunted

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break.
Never thought I'd see it."

 

Please.

My dear, kind, wonderful, beautiful, incredible friends. How I love you.
Between the junior high and high school, my home town has seen 2 suicides in the last month, and I know of another attempt just a month before that. I didn't know the girl or the boy who passed away, but I mourn for them as well as their loved ones. Please. Please, if you are reading this, know that I love you. Whenever you feel alone in the world, just remember that Nicole Callister loves you. It may not mean much to you, but it means everything to me.
Please.
Stay.

Peace

The gospel won't always make you happy.
Now, before you start crying blaspheme, hold on. Think about it. You don't magically become happy after the death of a loved one because of the plan of salvation. You don't automatically smile when a friend turns their back on you because you know that there's more to life. There is sadness in this world. The gospel doesn't erase that.
What the gospel brings is peace. Everlasting, perfect, wonderful peace. I testify to you that peace can come even in the middle of your darkest hour, and that peace comes through the power and the majesty of the gospel. Ephesians 2:14 states that Christ "is our peace". I testify that Christ is our peace. He is our joy. His way is the way in which we can come to live with our Heavenly Father, and our loved ones, again.
Your happily ever after will come. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said that, "Your "once upon a time" is now." I've learned that I'm not always going to be happy, but I can always be at peace if I stay close to the Lord. It is my hope and my prayer that my efforts in this life will enable me to look my Father in the eye and say, "I have done the best I can." I testify to you that the gospel of Jesus Christ can bring you peace in a world full of darkness and turmoil. He can be a light in your life if you will let him.
Let Him bring you peace.

Possibilities

 I’ve been in a slump.
Nothing bothers me more than a slump. I hate feeling useless. I hate coming home to an empty apartment and realizing that I have nothing, absolutely nothing, to look forward to that day. Well, except for homework. And who looks forward to that?
So the other day, I was sitting alone at home, doing the whole “woe is me” thing. And then, in a random burst of curiosity, I sent a quick Facebook message to the director of the drama club I used to help with. I just asked if there was going to be a play this year, and received the reply that, yes, there was a play, and I was welcome to come help whenever I wanted.
Um…YES!
There is a catch, of course. I’m a poor college student who doesn’t have the extra money to pay for gas to drive to Pleasant Grove twice a week. However…I work in PG twice a week. I’m going to drive up early on Thursdays so I can hang out with my favorite kids for an hour and a half. And you know what? My slump is already gone. This week has been my busiest yet this year, and I love it. I’ve been running around like a crazy person, with barely enough time to breathe, let alone eat or sleep. And yet, this is the happiest I’ve been all semester.
Part of it is the kids. I love giggling with Bailey and Addi when we’re supposed to be listening. I love watching Gideon make faces at me when we’re supposed to be listening. I love dancing around and making the kids laugh…when we’re supposed to be listening. I’m never happier than I am when I’m at Drama Club rehearsals. And it’s got me thinking…I never get bored of this. This is my fourth year, and I still look forward to every single rehearsal. Maybe I need to consider this as a possible career. I don’t think there’s anything I would enjoy more than working with kids like this every day.
Hey, it’s a possibility.

P.S. For your listening pleasure... :)

P.S.S. So I was super excited because when I wrote this in Microsoft, I used super cool fonts and it looked awesome. And now it doesn't. Oh well. :)

Best. Present. Ever.

Christmas couldn't come fast enough this year. After a long 13.5 months of not speaking to my brother face to face, I got to Skype him!

There he is, the best big brother in the world. I couldn't ask for a better example. Rickey left November 9, 2011, for the Provo MTC. He was supposed to be there for 11 weeks before heading out to Ukraine. However, the Lord works in mysterious ways. None of the Ukrainian missionaries' visas went through, so at the end of the 11 weeks, Rickey was sent to Chicago. He was there for 6 weeks before the visa finally went through and he could go to Ukriaine.
This was the first time we had Skyped him. We've talked to him on the phone several times--more than most people, in fact. He was able to call to tell us what was going on with the visa, and we got 15 minutes then. This time, we got an hour. He was in an internet club in Lutsk, and we all crowded around Mom's laptop.

Rickey had us worried for a while. He was about half an hour late getting onto Skype. Turns out that he and his companion had a little bit of trouble getting a computer; after all, they were just in a public club. There were several interruptions. First, we got to meet some of the missionaries in his district. (According to one elder, Rickey is a beautiful person and the best elder in the district. I can believe that. :D) Then partway through, a man came up and started talking to him in Ukrainian. I guess Rickey and his companion had talked to him a while back. He showed Rickey the pamphlet they had given him and told Rickey that he would be coming to church on Sunday! So we got to witness missionary work firsthand.
I've always taken my family and friends for granted. Now, with so many missionaries heading out, I recognize just how much I rely on all of you to make it through each and every day. Thank you so much for all of the support that you give me. My life is made up of wonderful moments with all of you, and I'm so thankful for that. I love you all. Merry Christmas! :)