Irritation.

You know who is really irritating me right now? Men. 

I was having a conversation with this guy at work today. It was just a nice, friendly conversation, nothing special about it. Well, partway through, another girl entered the conversation and asked me what I was doing this summer, etc. I told her that I'm leaving on a mission in August, and the guy lost all interest and barely spoke a sentence to me after that. 

SERIOUSLY?!!!

Is dating your only incentive for talking to me? I feel like I have to avoid the topic of my mission around men because they can't just grow up and talk to me anyway. I'm not just good for dates and marriage, guys. As my friend Dana would say, I'm not a walking uterus. I can hold my own in a conversation, and hey, I'm not on a mission yet. Flirting isn't taboo. Yet.

(Quick side note: I realize that you fellas get the same thing done to you. Please know that this rant is simply an extrapolation of my frustration towards this specific boy.)

Ugh. I'm so irritated that I can't even think of anything valuable to say. RMs just make me so uncomfortable. It's "Marriage or Bust" to them, and I wouldn't be interested even if I wasn't going on a mission. Dating, yes. For sure. I enjoy dates, and I enjoy the company of nice guys. But heaven forbid I don't get married when I'm 19! 

So here I am, taking myself off of the meat market. (I'm sorry, did I say meat market? I meant marriage market.) I know, I know--I'm a BYU student who ISN'T interested in getting married in the next year. Heaven forbid that I give myself some time to figure myself out before making one of the biggest decisions of my life.

So sue me.

All in Good Time

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf once gave a talk entitled "Forget Me Not". He delivered this address to women, but its message is equally powerful for men and children. 

He told of an old German legend about the forget-me-not, a small, blue flower that is easily overlooked. According to the legend, the forget-me-not was the last plant to be named by God. It cried out, "Forget me not, O Lord!". And so the plant was named. 

President Uchtdorf explained that there were five things that he wanted us to "forget not". They are: 

1. Forget not to be patient with yourself.
2. Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice.
3. Forget not to be happy now.
4. Forget not the "why" of the gospel.
5. Forget not that the Lord loves you.

Now, I've always been very scatterbrained. I tend to lose/forget things easily. And one of the things that I forget the most is to be patient with myself. 

Here's something that may shock you: I mess up. A lot. (Crazy, I know.) I'm constantly trying to improve, and when I don't get immediate results, I get really down. I'm hard on myself, wishing that I could be better, while not knowing what I can do to be perfect. 

But here's the thing--I'm not going to be perfect for a very long time. (Again, that may come as a shock. It's difficult to believe, but humor me here.) And hey, Satan is working pretty dang hard on me. He attacks me on every side. It's hard to maintain perspective when the master of all lies is telling you that you aren't good enough, you aren't strong enough, you aren't perfect enough. 

Luckily, I am perfect enough. I am perfectly me, and that is all I need. Perfection will come in good time, but for now, I just have to keep picking myself up when I fall. (See, Bruce? We fall so we can pick ourselves up.) President Uchtdorf asks us to "stop punishing" ourselves. He tells us to recognize our successes--our Heavenly Father sees them, no matter how small, and they are important to Him. So let me ask you this: if God, the creator of innumerable worlds, cares about your small successes, why don't you? 

Learn to stop punishing yourself for your failures. Perfection will come, but for now, learn to be patient. Revel in your successes, and the rest will come.

"Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey." ~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Pain

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
―Rose Kennedy

My Decision.

Well, friends. This is it. I got my mission call a couple of weeks ago. I'm going to Minneapolis!!! I'm tickled to be going to Minnesota.

 

As you can see, my mission is BIG. It spans a big chunk of Minnesota as well as parts of Iowa, Wisconsin, Michigan, and even Canada. And if you didn't know this before, my mom grew up in Minnesota! Right in my mission. A few of my friends live in this mission as well, so I'm thrilled! It'll be really neat.

For those of you who aren't familiar with mission protocol, here are the details: 

I leave August 7 for the Missionary Training Center in Provo. I'll probably only be there for 2 weeks, since I'm teaching in English. After that, I'll report to a district somewhere in my mission. Then the next 17.5 months of my life will be spent in the service of the Lord, teaching His gospel. 

Sounds incredible, no? I'm so excited!!!
I would just like to add here that I love getting letters from missionaries. Nothing makes me happier than getting letters from people who have immersed themselves in the work of the Lord. The light of the gospel shines through their letters. Also, as much as I love emails, I much prefer hand-written letters. Much more personal, much more fun. Remember that. ;)
One of my favorite albums is called Set Apart. It's by the BYU Men's Chorus. It's a missionary album, and I just adore it! (Side note: I have good memories with this album. I got to go to the performance where they were recording some of the songs, and I have a few friends in the choir. It's pretty cool.) In reality, the music isn't just for missionaries. It's for anyone who is striving to do the Lord's work in the best way that they know how. For me, that's a mission. Here's how I decided to serve a mission:
When I heard the age change announcement, I was thrilled! So excited. I knew that I wanted to serve, but was I supposed to serve? I agonized over it for weeks. I fasted and prayed and counseled with friends and family. I thought things through and looked at what I wanted for my future. But several weeks later, I still had no idea what the Lord would have me do.
I was so confused. I felt lonely and unnoticed. I didn't understand why the Lord wouldn't give me an answer. After all, I had waited. I had been patient. I had studied and prayed and asked Him for guidance, but I just wasn't receiving it. I hated the indecision.
And then, after many weeks of patience (which is not one of my strengths), I started receiving an answer. But it wasn't in a quick, easy, here's-what-you-have-to-do kind of way. I heard talks and advice telling me to be patient. Of course, I didn't love that answer, because I'd been patient for so long. But as I kept listening, I kept hearing. I heard the prophets' counsel to do things on the Lord's timetable and to learn slowly, bit by tiny bit. I heard speakers at devotionals telling me that knowledge comes gradually. I heard the advice of a wise older brother, reminding me that the Lord doesn't necessarily have just one path for me.
I heard the words of angels.
My darling friends, I have heard so much over the past 6 months. The Lord has taught me that I need to be confident in myself and my decisions. He has taught me that although He has a plan for me, I have a say in my life. Most importantly, He has taught me that His love is perfect and pure. It reaches to every person, every land, every nation. It does not waver. It is there day and night, wherever we are, whatever we've done.
The path that I've chosen is not easy. However, as Psalm 18:2 says, "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength in whom I will trust." No matter your path, your Father's love is there. He will never leave you alone. Trust Him. Trust yourself. Slowly but surely, you will come to know the light of Christ. And once you have it, you will never want to let go.

The Waiting Game

So…I timed my mission call exactly right. It’s coming the very last day of finals! Hurrah! Wasn’t that just the best timing?

I really hope you could hear the sarcasm in that.

Seriously though, this is the worst. Here I am, trying my hardest to study, when I get a text from my bishop telling me that the General Authorities should be assigning my call tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?! MY MISSION CALL IS BEING ASSIGNED TOMORROW!!!!!!!

I’m just a little bit excited. I knew the timing was rotten when I planned it, but as usual, I ignored the little voice of reason in my head. I couldn’t wait!

Well, now I have to wait, and my grades can’t. I was actually doing fine until that text. Well, my roommate opened her call yesterday (Lima, Peru!), and that kind of started my excitement. But the text…it pushed me over the edge. No offense, Bishop. That was my own fault.

(Side note: this girl is not a fan of Sponge-Bob Square Pants. I’m sitting at work, and it’s been playing on the t.v. in the lobby for the last hour and a half. I may scream. Or run out. Or both.)

Anyway, I just thought that ya’ll should know that I’m trying hard to focus. It’s a work in progress. Wishing all of my BYU friends a happy finals week, and may the odds be ever in your favor.  

Judged.

Hey friends. I recently saw a Facebook post about how a person (I don't actually know them, it was an anonymous page) feels so judged and alone here at BYU because of their trials, which included abuse and homosexuality.
Um...what?
I mean, I understand what they're saying. I can see how someone with that background would feel out of place. But that is the exact opposite of how I feel at BYU.
I know that some of you are thinking, but she hasn't gone through those things. And you're right. I haven't been sexually abused or attracted to women.
But I do know that people tend to ostracize themselves. Seriously. You look around and you feel judged, but nobody is judging you. You can't relate to them, and they can't relate to you, but that doesn't mean that there is any judgment going on.
If you are sticking yourself in a hole, get out of it. If you are living in the past and letting it affect the present, stop it.
I've gotta tell you--I lived in the past for way too long. I let my fear and mistrust affect everything I did. Everyone that I met was just a future loss, another person to leave me. I could talk and joke around, but getting close to anybody...it took time. A lot of it. I've known my best friend since I was 6, and we weren't good friends all that time. It took years for me to trust her completely.
I created my own personal hell.
How often do we do that? How often do we create the problems that keep us up at night? We are so much harder on ourselves than others--and the Lord--are. You look in the mirror and you think, what mistakes have I made today? What did I say wrong? Who doesn't like me?
Well, stop it. You heard me. Just stop. You are beautiful. You are incredible.
Stop dwelling on the hard things in life. Life is hard. Get over it and stop pulling yourself down.
Here's a pep talk from a little girl who has her priorities straight:

 

Let yourself be amazing. 

Love.

There's a Joshua Creek song that I absolutely love. It's called "I Love You, Son".

 

 

Little boy sits on a chair, waiting for his dad.

Scared and crying, cuz he'd been bad.

Stole a toy on a dare, from the corner drug store,

but he got caught slipping out the door.

And finally when his pa arrived,

the boy couldn't look him in the eye and said, "Oh Dad, I know you hate me."

Then in disbelief, he heard his father say...

"I love you, Son. Just tell me what you've done.

Life's full of problems, together we can solve them.

Talk it out with me, we'll work it out, you'll see.

I love you, Son."

Then he turned 16, with a license to drive.

Stereo loud, girl by his side.

Lost control on a curve, and the car overturned.

They crawled out and watched that Mustang burn.

From a sheriff's station telephone,

he found the old man at home and said, "Oh Dad, you're gonna hate me.

Then in disbelief, he heard his father say...

"I love you, Son. Just tell me what you've done.

Life's full of problems, together we can solve them.

Talk it out with me, we'll work it out, you'll see.

I love you, Son."

36, what could have been was in an awful mess.

Broken dreams, broken home, broken promises...

and from the valley of his dark despair rose a first attempt at prayer.

He said, "Oh Lord, I know you hate me."

Then in disbelief, he heard the Father say...

"I love you, Son. Just tell me what you've done.

Life's full of problems, together we can solve them.

Talk it out with me, we'll work it out, you'll see.

I love you, Son."

Sometimes, we feel that the Lord can't possibly forgive us. Why should he? We've managed to mess up yet again. I'm a hopeless cause, you think to yourself. I just can't seem to do the right thing. It's SO hard to keep a good perspective when you feel like a failure. I think we often forget that the Lord doesn't look at us and say, "Well, they failed. I can give up on them now." He is the best friend we will ever have, because he will never give up on us. No matter what you do, no matter how badly you think you've failed, your Father will always love you. He knows the best that is within you. This week, try to see yourself the way that your Heavenly Father sees you. You will find a love and peace that you couldn't dream of having otherwise.